BDSM.tech the plain-English kink reference Submissive or Masochist? Telling the Two Apart
Submission and masochism get bundled into one idea constantly, but they’re two separate axes. Working out which one actually pulls at you clears up a surprising amount of confusion about what you want.
Two different questions
Submission is about control, the pleasure of handing authority to someone else. Masochism is about sensation, the pleasure of intensity, whether that’s pain, pressure or endurance. One asks a question about power. The other asks what your nerves are up to. The answers are independent of each other. The related split between dominant/submissive and top/bottom works exactly the same way.
Submissive, not masochistic
Extremely common, and rarely shown anywhere. People who love obeying, serving and being directed, with no interest at all in being hurt. Their dynamic runs on tasks, rules, protocol and service. And the lazy assumption that submission implies impact play often leaves them convinced they’re doing it wrong.
Masochistic, not submissive
Just as common. People who want intense sensation and have zero intention of surrendering any authority. They ask for it, negotiate it precisely, set the pace, and stop it when they decide to. Nothing about taking pain requires obedience.
Both, in different amounts
Plenty of people are both, and the proportions matter more than the labels ever will. Someone might be deeply submissive with a mild taste for sensation, or a keen masochist who submits only a little. Knowing your own mix beats picking a single word every time.
How to tell which is which
A useful test: picture the same activity with the power stripped out. If being caned by someone simply doing what you asked, exactly how you asked, still appeals, that’s masochism. If the appeal falls apart without someone else calling the shots, that’s submission wearing sensation as a costume. Run it the other way too. Does being given orders, with no sensation at all, still do something for you?
Why it matters practically
Because it tells you what to actually negotiate for. A submissive who thinks they’re supposed to want pain ends up enduring scenes they don’t enjoy. A masochist who thinks they’re supposed to want obedience ends up in a dynamic that chafes. Both are avoidable once you know which thing you’re after, and it’s well worth spelling out during negotiation.
The same applies on the other side
Dominance and sadism split the identical way. Enjoying authority is not the same as enjoying causing sensation, and types of dominants vary along both lines. Someone can love control and have no interest in inflicting pain, which tends to surprise people who’ve only met the combined version.
Labels are shorthand
None of this is a category exam. The words exist to make conversations quicker, and if your honest answer is “mostly submissive, a bit masochistic, only with someone I trust”, that beats either label on its own. It’s also exactly the kind of thing worth saying out loud early.
FAQ
What's the difference between a submissive and a masochist?
A submissive enjoys giving up control; a masochist enjoys intense sensation. They're separate axes that often appear together but don't have to. Plenty of submissives dislike pain entirely and serve, obey or surrender instead, and plenty of masochists want sensation without handing over any authority at all.
Can you be a masochist without being submissive?
Yes, and it's common. Someone can want intense sensation while remaining entirely in charge of how, when and how much: asking for it, directing it, and stopping it. The term 'dominant bottom' describes roughly this: receiving the sensation while holding the control.